Toby and Jones – Making a Killin’

Deep in a graveyard in the dead of night, we begin our tale of horror and fright.

Two men outlined agen’ the light of the moon, “Hurry on Toby it will be daylight soon”.

Their shovels came up sharp with a crack, upon the lid of a coffin all painted in black.

Toby & Jones did grin at the sound, for this corpse would bring them many a pound.

Toby was short and as round as he was long, Jones was much taller and incredibly strong.

Jones gave a chuckle and bent with his back, a crowbar then glinted, the lid rose with a crack.

“Cor what a whopper” Toby cackled with glee, “By the looks of that fella he’s been eatin’ for three!”

“Shut up you old fool we must get it out” Jones tried to lift it, his heart filling with doubt.

“It just will not shift, Toby what shall we do?” “move over Jones you haven’t a clue!”

Toby reached into the hole and pulled with his might, fell arse over tit and screamed out in fright.

Flailing around on his big fat behind, on top of the corpse, it seemed not to mind.

Jones hauled Toby out by the scruff of his shirt, wheezing and coughing all covered in dirt.

The pulled and they pulled but to no avail, the corpse was too fat, it seemed they would fail.

“Quiet” hissed Jones, “what was that noise?” round the corner the constable and two of his boys…

“Run” squeaked Toby in his falsetto voice, Jones gave a snarl, they hadn’t much choice.

They leapt over the gate and away in the night, leaving their shovels behind in their fright .

Toby was purple by the time they reached town “Jones we must stop, I need to lie down!”

“There is no time to stop, you great fat lump of suet, we need a plan now put your mind to it.”

Toby wailed “I cannot think when I have had nothing to eat, let’s go to the pie shop and get us a treat!”

“And how will you pay old Scabious Jenny? She doesn’t give pies for free and we’ve not even a penny”.

“I’ve got two shillin’ for emergency use!” Jones whipped around and said “You festering goose!”

“When that is spent, what shall we do? No shovels, no corpse and I’m stuck with you!”

“I know just what we can do with your money, follow me and you will find my plan is quite funny.”

Toby and Jones they went into the shamble, trying to look innocent as along they did amble.

Round the back of the slaughterers they found their prize, tipped the butcher a shillin’ to keep away prying eyes.

Here was a corpse, but it was a bit stinking, they grabbed up a bucket and gave it a rinsing.

They found it a bonnet, a bra and a skirt, and dressed the dead pig up like old Mistress Gert

“The Professor will notice” Toby did say, “he will know it’s a pig and he will not pay!”

Jones gave a snort and said “If he smalls bacon, we will tell him it’s perfume and that he’s mistaken”

“He is a blind as a bat, the old doddering Prof. It will be easy to cheat him and then rip him off.”

Sure enough, the Prof paid the duo four quid, for the corpse of a swine, then they bolted and hid!”

“Success” they cried as they counted their wages, “This is the richest we have been in ages.”

They sat in the Queens Arms, and sank ale after ale, they looked out the window and then turned rather pale.

A terrible sight jiggled down the road, Mistress Gert in her shift, about to explode.

“Where are my clothes you dirty old gits? I’ve only one bra big enough to cover me tits!”

“I knows it was you, the neighbours saw fine, the pair of you take the lot off me line!”

She stopped dead in her tracks, and her jaw it did drop, as she caught sight of the monster coming out of a shop.

The pig lurched through the doorway, bolt through it’s neck, sporting Gerts clothes, she said “What the feck?”

It wandered on forward, in bra, coat and skirt, leaving a trail of hoof marks in the dirt.

It shambled onwards, away from the town, and carried on going o’er hill and down.

Gert turned to Toby and Jones and she said, “Youse owe me four quid!” and with that they fled…

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